out of focus

yes it’s that time for me. college.

oh yeah it’s ABOUT time.

so where am i going to be next year? oh hahahah. i have no idea. literally not a CLUE.

i’ll think okay it’s this ONE. the place i want to be at. it’s the ONE. where i’ll be heading to in a couple months. but then two days later i’m in a whole other direction. or two hours lol. but then again. story of my life.

i’ve been accepted. denied. DEFERRED.

and there’s more where that came from.

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you can walk home in the rain

who wants to live a life with each day on GODDAMN repeat? you wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference.

it’s easy to fall into a cycle. a series of repeats. over and over. and soon it becomes that each day is the same. ‘til you can’t tell the difference because you’re stuck doing the same acts.

pulling your same old shit.

it’s easy to go back to old habits. old people. forget why things didn’t work out.

it’s easy to get ahead of yourself. to think you’ll do it differently THIS time.

but let’s be real. there’s no THIS time.

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the secret to growing up

we all have a past

we’ve done things we are not super proud of. done things that we regret.

but how else do you experience every feeling that is possibly in existence?

without trying everything. taking it all in.

i don’t want to leave a single moment. a single feeling even behind. i want the experience of it all.

there’s nothing wrong with a little risk. with a couple of mistakes. some fuck ups along the way. it’s how it goes.

and YOU.

YOU are not your past.

you can choose to be. but you don’t have to be.

so why would you?

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the quiet hours

things to do places to be?

oh YEAH.

the world is constantly on the go. 

somewhere. someplace. something significant is occurring. no matter what time it is.

it’s crazy. yeah okay i know we need our sleep too.

i tend to get less of it. but look. i feel like there’s no time to waste. even if it’s just laying in your bed watching netflix. 

but sometimes you need that for yourself. that pause.

i always want to be aware of the world. i want to be awake. we’ve got 24 hours each day. every day. and i still don’t think that’s enough time.

not for everything i want to do. 

lowkey though. you wanna know my favorite time?

it’s the quiet hours. 

the hours when it can be just you. between 2 and 5 am. 

you can do anything. 

and there’s nothing but peace and quiet. 

the SERENITY. oh how we love it. i do. 

the world feels as if it is at a still. 

and i can’t think of any time better.

the rush

the rush

will it matter in two weeks? a couple months?

will it matter in two weeks? a couple months from now?

i feel like half the time a lot of us freak out over the smallest things. sometimes it’s because we’re too overwhelmed. there’s too many little things bugging us at once. coming at us. so you can’t deal. that’s understandable.

BUT sometimes it’s because we don’t see the bigger picture.

and that’s what i’m talking about here.

the big picture.

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fake it ‘til you make it

i’m at a stump.

if you know me, you know i’m a firm believer in “fake it ‘til you make it”

because trust me. it works.

i have bad anxiety. even worse social anxiety. yeah yeah. it’s like most others nowadays. nothing THAT out of the ordinary anymore.

i’m shy. i get nervous. thing is. people would never believe it about me if i say all this now.

it’s because i’m a god at always having a persona on. yes. A GOD. okay sorry a bit over the top. but for real though.

i guess it is a good thing. definitely has been useful. definitely comes in handy. a lot.

or

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trust the process

trust the process.

it’s hard. especially if you’re always wondering if you really are where you should be?

if you’re behind or ahead of the rest?

but once these thoughts come up in your head, it’s important to realize that it’s the wrong way to go about it.

because it doesn’t matter where anyone else is. thats what will get you constantly doubting yourself. THE COMPARISON.

so don’t do yourself dirty like that.

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yes it’s about a crush heh

having a crush

okay i know it sounds all middle school. kinda juvenile.

but hear me out.

it’s the feeling. that’s what we’re talking about here.

adksxmsnzkskj. i don’t know. if i can really explain the feeling but like... we get all tingly. our stomachs do a lil flip flop. heh.

…seriously though?

life without a crush. or someone to admire in more adult terms. it gets kinda boring. like yeah sometimes you’ll get nervous. maybe really nervous. but like it’s the good kinda nervous.

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the big C word.

the big C word.

commitment. 

yeah that’s a YIKES. i don’t do commitment. okay it’s not that i don’t do it, i just suck at it. 

it’s the tale as old as time…. she’s got DADDY issues. like okay we get it shut up.

i do my own thing. i’m the most independent person there is and i’ve been that way since a child. i didn’t really have a childhood. i knew santa wasn’t real. i knew the tooth fairy didn’t exist. some might think it’s kinda sad. i don’t really care if i’m being honest. because i mean hell to it that yeah i might have grew up kinda young... but sometimes i worry that i might have even peaked young too.

except no.

because i refuse to accept that. we all are growing constantly and each day if you look real close, there’s always something that’s different. something that changes. day by day, week by week, month by month, and all of a sudden your life is completely different from what it was at the start of the year.

a lot of people dread this. but i love it. i need change. i get bored easy...that’s why commitment is the big C word. not an easy thing for me. 

so should i be proud of myself that i can instantly adapt myself to my surroundings? that i can make the most out of a situation?

or should i be upset.

upset that i get bored of it all almost just as quick too?

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forgive or forget? the clock is ticking.

“i’m sorry”

two words. overplayed. on repeat.

for so long that i don’t know if they stand a chance at having any meaning left in them.

it’s easy. it’s convenient.

you fuck up. and you say “i’m sorry.”

it’s all better now. right? or it should be at least. because that is what is expected??

forgiveness is a tricky thing.

they say that it’s important to learn and to know how to forgive. that it’s the key to living a happy and fulfilling life.

but how is that fair?

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a little glimpse of genuine pure honesty :’)

so despite wanting to make the best of my 18th. the day that i was waiting for so long. things took a turn.

lmao the usual right? don’t really know why i was expecting anything different.

a whole mindset i had set for myself went back to SHIT. in a matter of a couple of minutes. i wanted to rip the hair off my head. and flick off anyone who tried to wish me.

like you wouldn’t want to test me.

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hell yeah i’m legal

the big 1 8.

jan 13. just an ordinary day. like any other day.

but yeah it’s my birthday today.

now i know how weird this is about to sound but i normally HATE celebrating my birthday. acknowledging it. anything of the sort.

there’s some painful memories behind that. but long story short last time i celebrated my birthday was the 4th grade.

we had a bouncy house though so that was sick.

ANYWAYS this birthday however. it is different.

i have been counting down days. months. YEARS. for this birthday to come. i’m turning 18. finally legal kiddos.

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“old habits die hard”

balance.

it’s the key to life.

i like to tip the scale time to time.

fine maybe all the time.

but okay hear me out. i’m one of those people that are either at an all or at nothing. like i’m either at a 0 or i’m at a 100 and i don’t do no in-betweens. i like to go all out. it’s my biggest struggle. something i’ll always have internally.

it was late summer of 2018 when i realized that things needed to be changed up. and real quick at that. but something about being someone who either goes big or goes home is that they are usually also very IMPULSIVE. or at least i am.

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take the chance

i get annoyed. way too fast. way too easily.

i guess you could call it a bad trait.

i’ve accepted it though.

it makes it easier for me to be straight up and direct. ya know without any of the bs.

and that’s the way i like it anyway.

i can only tolerate so much ‘til you get the classic eye roll or death stare and you get the hint. well at least i hope you get the hint.

so yeah i get that i can kinda turn into a bitch. and that it can happen kinda fast. and i know the resting b*tch face i’ve got doesn’t help my case out too much either.

but i’m actually genuinely a nice person.

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no feelings no problems? you THOUGHT.

throwback to a couple years back when i thought that i would be invincible... that is if i didn’t have any feelings.

think about it.

no feelings. no problems. you do what you gotta do and then you’ll end up with success because there’s nothing in your way.

i thought i changed the game.

like HA all those silly people screwing up their lives ‘cause they let their feelings influence them and their actions and decisions and all that… blah blah

so i tried it. and i mean it works. probably worked for me longer than it does for most. i’m good at shutting down. i’m good at keeping it all bottled up inside. i’ve had TONS of practice. so it felt kinda natural.

ya know how it goes.

but then those feelings surface.

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prude or slut?

prude or slut?

in this town. you can only be one.

“wyd?”

“you tryna hook up?”

you think no you aren’t down. and you try to be the straight up person you are and save both of yalls time by saying you’re not.

now they’re pissed. you have to deal with their temper tantrums because they don’t know any better. they say all kinds of things. whatever they can to maybe. possibly. potentially. be able to convince you otherwise.

they go on about how they’ve heard you gotten around. maybe they heard you hooked up with a certain guy. or another. but no no. now you’re the PRUDE. or maybe a tease even. since you won’t get with THEM right?

do they think that’ll get them in your pants?

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sloth

we all have those days.

where we don’t wanna do jack shit but lay in bed. cuddle up in the blanket. and never leave. 

some of us more than others.

some of us ALL THE TIME.

what’s so wrong about that? yeah i don’t know either.

okay okay maybe i’m a bit biased because i’m part of the “ALL THE TIME” group. but i’m serious.

my nickname has turned into the SLOTH. wouldn’t be able to tell u the first time someone even came up with it. and why? because they all like to say people don’t get lazier than i do. but ok i don’t think i’m THAT bad. really.

i love being in bed. it’s my safe haven. it’s where i can watch movies that make me cry out to my hearts content. or listen to 8D music in my headphones and feel the music surround me so i can be in my own world. even if it’s just for a couple minutes.

because those couple of minutes are everything to me. i wouldn’t be able to be ME without them.

when you yourself have to be CONSTANTLY aware of what’s going on around you. because if not the world could come crashing down any second. those couple of minutes. they do you wonders.

therefore. i LOVE being a sloth. and you should too. 


and as for the rest of yall, come at me bitches.

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the journey

i love car rides. i love them more than any destination. it’s my favorite part. it’s where i thrive and it’s where i always take a second to look up n be thankful for what i have got because at least in that moment, i am the happiest i can be.

like cruising down the freeway with the best of your friends all smushed in one car singing at the top of our lungs and laughing so hard ‘til we can’t breathe and our stomachs hurt like a lil b*tch.

there’s something therapeutic about it. something that gives me peace. serenity.

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f is for friends

f is for friends

i think. 

i met my bestest friends senior year of high school. i’m sure you’ve all heard this one before. meeting your bffs right before you all have to split up and go your separate ways. it sucks. it’s the worst.

but is it actually though?

this place has been very rough to me. from day 1 i didn’t really have things going for me. but i can’t say the same about now. now i have something to miss. something i’ll always remember. something i’ll be able to tell my kids in 10 years and my grand kids after that. 

friends might come and go but there will always be the ones that leave an impact on you. the ones that show you what true friendship is. and for THAT i am grateful. grateful that i now have something to miss when our era is over and we approach the start of a new one.

wish us luck. 

ice skating pup what’s better than that

ice skating pup what’s better than that