green light go

heh. guess what yalllll.

i have officially COMMITTED.

and i’m so SO happy to say that i will be attending university of iowa in the fall.

i’m gonna be honest...i wrote this blog post kinda pre-mature. like i was going to commit after and post it later tonight. cuz i was just THAT excited.

but then everything turned upside down. and i thought i wasn’t going to end up getting out anymore. as if it was all for nothing. which i know sounds so DRAMATIC but guys you have no idea how over it i am.

like i legit think i felt my heart drop just like that.

so after a day of feeling sorry for myself stuck in bed with puffy eyes. i kinda just went for it. impulsive. but a done deal. and there you have it. 

i’m committed b*tches.

approximately like 16 min ago. ya ya know casual.

if you know me you probably find this to no surprise. and if you don’t really then i’m just going to say that this is kinda only the start of it.

and okay yeah sure there might be a shit show following but hey isn’t there always. 

cuz you know what. i know i’m just going to have to figure it out along the way. and yeah it probably won’t be easy but i’ve dealt with harder. and that’s how i do things best so why should this be any different. i know what i want and i know that even if it’s all controversial in the household at the end of the day i gotta look out for ME now.

so can i just say how excited i am NOW because HOLY SHIT it’s finally here. so close. like yeah i’ll still be stuck in the cold but i will finally be out of state. and that was my biggest priority like i need that for myself.

and i mean i was considering minnesota twin cities where i probably would freeze over so i’m looking at the bright side :-)

ANYWAY i’m driving over this weekend to meet up with my soon to be roomie and then she’s driving us up to uiowa for the night. i’m so fricking hype. SO hype. it’s surreal.

and guys she’s legit so fun you have no idea. 

but it just made me realize. like i was having such a shitty couple weeks. AND then a really shitty day today. and honestly. life feels so much better when you have CLARITY. 

legit like in a split second. you feel a difference. 

and it made me realize clarity is really one of most important things to have in almost anything in your life.

like with school. if you stay on TOP of it, then you will always be clear. CLARITY. 

knowing what you are putting in your body. being aware. CLARITY. 

or even in any type of relationship. communication is key. leading to CLARITY.

so really. something you should do for yourself to give yourself a break is getting some clarity in your life. because when you do. one thing at a time. everything else becomes a lil easier. your confidence builds up. and it’s never a bad thing to feel the load on your shoulders lighten up. even if it’s just a teensy bit. for a teensy while.

because you take in that relief you get in your lil window of time. and it’s a reminder. of what can come when you figure your shit out. and when you deal with what’s in front of you.

running in circles does no one any good. and running AWAY. well that’s even worse. and it’s something that will always eat at you. no matter how much you try to deny it.

because everything really does catch back up to you. no matter how much you think you’ve finessed the game. how much you think you went over everyone else’s heads. 

i’ve been wondering where i would be at this point in my life for the past 18 years. and as extrenuous as that sounds, it’s really true.

so much stress. so many decisions. alotta hiccups. and they all led up to today. 

but it was worth it. and it always will be. sure there were things i wish i did. things i wish i didn’t do. maybe i could’ve tried a little harder in school. cared more about leaving a good impression on my teachers. 

but honestly i’m cutting myself a break now. i dealt with a lot. and it was A LOT. but i got through it. 

and i’ll say it even louder to the people in the back because i beat myself over it so much more than i’ll ever admit. i try to be perfect. and set myself up for disappointment.

when in reality i’ve done the MOST. to try to please those around me. and THEN myself. but no more of that. 

YOU gotta do YOU. 

and grades or teachers’ opinions. all that will never measure up to what i’ve done. or tell me what i can or can’t accomplish.

i’m sure telling my kids and grandkids my wild life in high school will be more interesting than saying i got straight A’s being the best student doing everything i was supposed to exactly the way i was supposed to. 

oh yeah and i’m still going to college and will be having the time of my LIFE. 

disclaimer: if you got straight A’s throughout high school and you were an amazing student props to you because it is definitely such an accomplishment especially where i’m from where standards are set at literally the highest bar. like forreal go you you should be proud. 

but oops news flash school is just really not my thing. at least not for me personally. 

i want to embrace the real world for all it is. and i know it’s hell for the most part. but when you’ve lived the kinda hell i have for as long as i have. 

a small step ahead is better than a full stop. 

yeah i might have not done as well as i could have in high school. but college is going to be a whole different story. 

it is another chapter. 

and it’s going to be a good one.

mark my words.