fake it ‘til you make it

i’m at a stump.

if you know me, you know i’m a firm believer in “fake it ‘til you make it”

because trust me. it works. 

i have bad anxiety. even worse social anxiety. yeah yeah. it’s like most others nowadays. nothing THAT out of the ordinary anymore. 

i’m shy. i get nervous. thing is. people would never believe it about me if i say all this now. 

it’s because i’m a god at always having a persona on. yes. A GOD. okay sorry a bit over the top. but for real though.

i guess it is a good thing. definitely has been useful. definitely comes in handy. a lot.

or i guess a bad thing. ‘cause you’ll never really know how i’m actually feeling. and sometimes i don’t really either.

so i GUESS... it really depends on how you go about it. 

i’m working on it all still regardless. so don’t worry. i’ll get there. 

and if we are talking about medicine…i’m not a huge fan. i don’t want to ever RELY on anything. esp if i don’t really really need it. i believe it’s more about the mental game. so i don’t fuck with it. but that’s just me. and how i am.

we are all different & have varied opinions about it so don’t come @ me. you do you.

but ANYWAYS look. i’m always putting myself out there. even if it scares me. i don’t think about it. i refuse to. and if it does scare me. and it ends up actually getting to me. i don’t like showing it. in fact, i hate it. so i’ll fake it. ‘TIL I MAKE IT. and then i’ll be all good. yeah okay. sometimes it takes a bit of time for me to internally get a handle on myself. 

like i might look all fine & dandy on the outside. but on the low. things are all over the place.

but hey, when you start something. anything. and the process is kind of tedious. strenuous. once you’ve already started... it will only get easier on you. as time passes by. and soon enough. you’ll be looking back from the other side.

so if i start. you already know i’m not stopping ‘til i’m out the deep end. 

now if you knew me as a kid. and while i was growing up ‘til i would say about late middle school. right before high school. which is when i finally grew a pair. 

yeah. OOPS.

but you’d have a totally different perception of me.

i never spoke. never talked. kinda just observed what happened around me & that was about it.

i HATED raising my hand in class. because the teacher would always ask me to SPEAK UP since he/she and no one else could hear me...

or at family events. when everyone is bombarding me with questions i have no idea how to answer... and they tell me to stop mumbling. to repeat myself. AGAIN. like i didn’t even know what to say for the first time & now i have to go for TAKE 2... oh just GREAT.

so okay i guess it’s MY BAD. because i already thought i was talking as loud as i possibly could. so yeah. you could say it was a bit of a struggle. almost anywhere i was.

nowadays. people are telling me to lower my voice. stop rambling on & on. like manasvi SHUT UP already. 

HA. who would have thought?

and okay okay. let’s give credit where credit is due. 

when it comes to public speaking. presentations. anything of the sort. present day today. people even say that i’m good. and that’ll never stop surprising me. never lmao.

like HOW. 

but i’m proud of me. that i’ve gotten myself to chill out and not worry about getting up there. to just relax. versus how it was before. but lol. this is until it’s 10 min to when it’s time to go. then i’m practically shaking. stuttering. and already looking like a fool. like GOOD ONE manasvi.

but still. no one seems to notice. actually no one ever does. not anymore at least. i think it’s more in my head now than anything. but up until a point. i’d get called out for it. like every time. 

so i had decided to turn on a mindset. 

some talk.

“you’ve got this”

“you’re good at this”

“fuck everyone else”

and just like that. 

shift things around in my head.

take a breath. 

and.

fake it ‘til i make it.

okay easier said than done. but oh it’s definitely not the impossible. because if i can do it. so can you.

and if you can’t shift things around in your head just like that.

that’s okay too. we are all built differently.

so do yourself a favor. 

WRITE IT DOWN. look at it. have that visual for yourself. and say it over & over. talk to yourself. be that WEIRDO. lowkey would probably get out of the public’s eye though. but ya know whenever. whatever. it’s up to you. ‘cause you gotta do what you gotta do.

get it integrated deep in THERE. because yeah sometimes you’ll still be doubtful. sometimes it’ll all still take over. but the more you believe it yourself. and i KNOW how cheesy this sounds. but the better you are going to do for yourself.

and WELL, my guys and gals.

i definitely have made it. and i’m making it even now. as we go along. 

so don’t be afraid. just GO FOR IT.

fake it ‘til you make it. 

yes, it will take time. be patient with yourself. you’ll get frustrated sometimes. it’s bound to happen. remember that sometimes it might just all be too much. and that’s okay too. because eventually. you will conquer it. you will.

and let me know how it works out for you. because it will. 

it’s a mindset.

and each one of you can achieve it. 

you can go above and beyond.

just try. 

believe in it bbys

believe in it bbys