my mom found my blog

so if you didn’t already get it from the title of this blog post. yes, my mother found my blog. and while it may not seem like that’s a big deal.

imagine searching your daughters name up on the internet and pulling up on a site of hers that you never would have imagined. reading all these things you didn’t even know. it’s a lot to take in.

then imagine me coming back from being away 4 days for LOLLA to this ambush. not that it was the worst thing in the world.

but it’s a lil eerie to know my mom could be reading this right now. and i know communication sometimes isn’t the strongest of our suits. plus i didn’t know how i felt about it so i haven’t really said anything to any of my friends either.

sooooo i guess i’m writing about it??

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you are a victim 'til you are not

you are a victim ’til you are not.

there have been so many times where i have heard this phrase pop out of someone’s mouth that i’m around…

“yeah its f*cked up but he or she’s broken/damaged/etc.”

the thing is i’m not talking about something occurring once or twice. we’ve all been there. we all make mistakes. but when it’s a reoccurring situation.

who is REALLY the victim at that point?

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definition of hell

i once read the definition of hell is that

on your last day on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have became.

it is known that your life shrinks and expands with your willingness to take risks. most of us end up operating on autopilot. caught up in a repetitive cycle. i know i have talked about it one too many times at this point.

but the hardest thing about it is breaking out of it once you’re already in the cycle. so it’s important to be self-aware and not even get yourself in that kind of mindset to begin with. it does no one including yourself any good and over time, it makes us feel as if we’ve “lost ourselves” leading us to dig up an even bigger hole to put ourselves in.

eventually, we start feeling a need for answers. in better words, we start looking for a deeper meaning.

in EVERYTHING.

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for all you grammar fanatics...

there’s a reason i write my posts the way i do. and while i know that for those of you that are grammar fanatics, you probably got that disgusted look all over your face reading my posts.

rest assured, i swear i am not actually bad at grammar. or at least not to THIS extent. but no lol trust me when i say this is all very intentional. in school, business, any professional setting, emails, etc. grammar is very important no matter how you, me or anyone feels about it. that’s just facts. it reveals professionalism and shows that you know what you are talking about.

however, this is MY blog. and since i have to upkeep grammar rules everywhere else… i don’t feel the need to keep it up when it comes to this site.

mainly, because i write my posts from that voice in my head. that voice we all have. and mine sounds like this.

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lil life update

okay so i’ve been in a crappy mood. like flat out the truth. and it’s been that way for a MIN now. maybe it’s the fact that most of my friends are out of town. or that i set the expectation for summer way up there going into it.

....

but regardless. things did switch up.

and i mean okay YEAH i guess i could probably write something on how to cheer yourselves up if you’re feelin’ anything remotely close to where i’m at right now. but i’m not even going to lie.

it’s early & i’m annoyed right now.

so instead i thought i’d share a lil life update.

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what can WE do #sudanuprising

this is something that took a toll on me and came out of nowhere. the whole situation took me a minute to fully process & educate myself on what was happening.

i know i have made my blog a place of rather comfort for small, relatable things that everyone deals with at some point in their lives.

which ironically… sometimes steers us into forgetting how blessed we truly are.

this is something that needs to be HEARD by everyone. i debated even putting this out on my blog because there are probably people who can do a better job of informing. but spreading awareness is still the same no matter who it is coming from. and even if this blog post were to educate someone to some sort of an extent & push them towards to help… it makes a difference. so here it is.

the internet in Sudan has been blocked off in hopes to keep this information away from the rest of the world.

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been there done THAT

the end of May is so bittersweet. especially to us seniors who are graduating right now. i don’t think there’s another feeling like this. and it’s so important to cherish the good the bad all of it.

i remember everything too well. the little details. all the feelings. i look back to each of the events that went on in my life. sometimes i was having the time of my life. and sometimes i thought it was all too much. especially when it’d be one thing after the next. and if you think that’s an exaggeration trust me it’s not. it was unreal how it was. and i used to think i just had bad luck. but i’ve come to realize there’s no such thing as luck. good things and bad things happen to everyone. and while some of us might feel like we get more of the bad side of things. you never know when life is going to switch up on you.

or perhaps when you are going to switch up on life.

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4 years -> 4 days

if you asked me at the beginning of freshman year where i would be right now as a senior, i wouldn’t have had a single clue. i had nothing planned out. and when i say nothing. i mean NOTHING. most kids know somewhere along the lines of where they want to be at those certain points in their later life.

but i mean even being as clueless i was, i always knew i was a wing-it kinda gal. a go getter when the time was right.

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like it’s dangerous

we love the thrill. i know i do. i love the rush. the HYPE. i live for it.

i live OFF it.

i’m more uncomfortable with myself knowing i’m in my comfort zone. knowing that nothing is changing. that i’m in a constant state of mind. and honestly i get pretty bored too. like yeah maybe i might feel a little YIKES when i’m out of that comfort zone. but it’s a good kinda yikes. and it keeps things interesting. you’re taking everything all in for all it is. it’s where you’re growing. and gaining new perspectives. learning more about yourself along the process.

it’s important to find your limits. to know what you’re capable of and more. because nothing can you stop then. and this applies to everything and anything.

thing is not everything works for everyone. and different things affect us all in different ways. know your weaknesses. improve on them. 

and if it doesn’t work. then it doesn’t work. don’t force it. some things just aren’t meant to be. and that’s okay too.

b/c you will THRIVE in your strengths. in all the things you love. so find those out. even if it’s just a question. a maybe. something lingering at the back of your head. you’ll never know unless you try. so do anything. everything. try it all.

i mean when else? another life?????

before you know it you’re going to be 80 and not sure where all those years went. how life managed to pass by you so simply. slipping through without even realizing.

and i’m not saying to go out of your way and do illegal things. because no no no. 

it’s about changing your mindset. 

do things like it’s DANGEROUS. no matter what it is. 

like it’s your last time. now or never. so precise because you don’t know if it’ll happen again. 

your regrets are what are going to screw you over at end.

but everything you DO. everything that’s done like it’s dangerous. 

well i’ll just tell you right now you’re going to have some good stories to share. 

an iconic 18 years i’m SAYIN

an iconic 18 years i’m SAYIN

prom loser

i’m someone who does not go for high school dances. i suck at planning things. there’s so much drama in between. so i skipped out when i could. not my thing. plus it’s always been a sh*t show.

like junior year hoco. omfg. by the time my date & i pulled up to the dance it was raining so bad the water was up to our ankles. AND i was wearing a long dress like mother nature please do me more dirty.

she got the message though for sure because it got so windy that our umbrella blew straight away from us all the way across the parking lot.

so i showed up to the dance DRENCHED. everything literally. my hair my dress all my makeup. i was walking through the halls and people were whispering to each other like daaaanngg she got the worst of it.

yeah mother nature. thanks for that.

now it’s time for PROM.

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PSA

i have always been pretty straightforward. i like the directness. and i don’t like dealing with the BS in between so i rather just not have any.

i’m probably gonna say that a billion more times to get my point across in the future too but like damn. i don’t think i’ll ever not be blown at the amount of people who intentionally try to cause issues. or the ones who avoid a situation when it arises every chance they get.

no one ever realizes how much bad karma they stir up into the universe by trying to give others a taste of their own medicine. like if you just leave sh*t alone. do ur own thing.

EVERYONE’S HAPPY.

so i’m just gonna put this out here for those of you who think you’re winning the game when you’re really just screwing yourself over and not helping anyone else out while you’re at it. 

the whole “let’s not talk about our feelings and make sure we’re the last one to leave the other on read to boost our own ego when we know we’re not over it” sh*t show was never cool AND has most definitely been played out at this time. 

so if you feel it speak it because we’ve got things to do places to be. lets get a MOVE ON.

please & thank you.

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the girl on fire

as i head closer to the end of my senior year. i’ve been reminiscing on everything in the past. the good the bad the ugly.

but not gonna lie it’s been a good run. and the more i think about it. the prouder i am of myself.

and even though i always end up trying to get myself down about something I DID. that’s not the way to go about it. a lil positivity is better than zero.

so it got me thinking. looking back.

do you guys remember your first day of kindergarten?

i do lol.

so for a twist i thought i’d tell yall a lil story kinda thing.

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your personal wake up call

turns out the way you start out your day has a greater impact than you could ever imagine. 

whenever i’m going thru a shit show. like i was on & off for the last couple weeks. i like to experiment. try new things. change up small things already there. to see what’s helping me and what’s making shit even worse. and i learn more about myself in the run too.

things might get hard. but we tend to make things even harder than they have to be. and we don’t need to do ourselves like that.

so guys. i know this song isn’t new. more like 2 years old but

“american teen” by khalid

*cues song*

make this song your fricking alarm in the morning. 

it starts out with the birds and then legit an alarm anyway. i dread that part. but then it gets soooooooo good and it all kicks in and i’m so hype. 

my girl and i go crazy before school with this. trust me we like to chill till the very last second before we have to step foot in the hell hole.

but it helps set our whole mood. ESPECIALLY for our senior year in high school. asfjskcnsjxjsj i love it. i know all the words. if peoples’ ears didn’t bleed when i opened my mouth i’d belt the song out to the world 24/7.

but if not this song. we all have our own vibes and favorites. start your day off with it. 

it’s guaranteed you’ll be in a better mood for the rest of day than you would have otherwise. 

and why not put all the favors you can get to your side.

get high off your american dream ;)

u can see the struggle thru my dark circles n bags. oh and kate losing her sh*t. we love school.

u can see the struggle thru my dark circles n bags. oh and kate losing her sh*t. we love school.

green light go

heh. guess what yalllll.

i have officially COMMITTED.

and i’m so SO happy to say that i will be attending university of iowa in the fall.

i’m gonna be honest...i wrote this blog post kinda pre-mature. like i was going to commit after and post it later tonight. cuz i was just THAT excited.

but then everything turned upside down. and i thought i wasn’t going to end up getting out anymore. as if it was all for nothing. which i know sounds so DRAMATIC but guys you have no idea how over it i am.

like i legit think i felt my heart drop just like that.

so after a day of feeling sorry for myself stuck in bed with puffy eyes. i kinda just went for it. impulsive. but a done deal. and there you have it. 

i’m committed b*tches.

approximately like 16 min ago. ya ya know casual.

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B*TCH (takes one to know one)

sorry for the vulgar language. but sometimes it’s necessary to get a point across. we all have heard the cliche of the cold hearted b*tch. and while i as do many other girls may come across in such a way.

reality check: no one is actually cold-hearted. at least not all the way. no matter what it may seem like. or what they come across as.

because after multiple fuck ups. listening to the wrong things. saying even worse things. a label gets created. and it sticks.

especially in our OWN minds.

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detox detox detox

so i’m a very CASUAL person. i don’t like getting all up in anyone’s grill. i like to go with the flow of things. to deal with things as they come my way.

and i try not to get TOO heated. unless you get me triggered.

then lmao forget that i have ZERO issues getting all up in your grill.

but for the most part i am pretty chill. i don’t want the drama and i don’t need it. especially considering i have enough going on without any of the unnecessary pettiness. and you’d THINK most people would feel the same. except really. no matter what they say.

the truth is people love to spice things up.

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i like me better

hey yall i’m back. and i’m here to update that my life is turning back into the shit show it truly is. i’m convinced it’s a simulation. 

so yeah i was being the biggest pussy today and i needed to chill. but i couldn’t. and if this was last year me OOF i would have walked straight out those doors and finessed something so i wouldn’t get caught with the school or have to deal with the rents.

yes yes one of my many fine attributes.

but i guess what i was reminded of after today is that at the end of the day you’ve really only got yourself. i’ve said it before today. and i’ll probably say it again. but it’s the realest thing i could ever say.

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consumed.

sorry guys i know i’ve seriously been lacking with the blog posts. i was supposed to stay on top of it and here i am dragging.

i’ve got to say i’m surprised. at how many people have actually noticed. like ugh i love you all.

truth is i’ve had zero motivation. maybe it’s the whole below zero negative weather thing. or the fact that school is completely useless especially at this point yet i’m expected to show up 5 days a week for 7 hours at a STRETCH.

like no thank you.

and then there’s me wrapped up in my own head. living in my own day dreams. so yeah maybe i need a reality check. anddddd maybe i need to figure my shit out.

i still need to order my cap and gown for graduation and i’m about 4 1/2 months late with that. OOPS.

my own thoughts are consuming me. and everything else around ‘em can’t seem to give me a break. which i guess isn’t anything new. but i’m tired. and bored.

i’m here to talk about the one thing.

the one thing that never fails you. me. or any of us really.

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