i like me better

hey yall i’m back. and i’m here to update that my life is turning back into the shit show it truly is. i’m convinced it’s a simulation. 

i had such a rough day. like a crying every period during school but trying not to show it kinda day. and trust me you don’t know how long a 40 somethin min period feels till you spend it holding back everything you’ve got. 

and if you know me. you know how much i hate the idea of crying.

ESPECIALLY in front of other people. like ew no thank you.

but it was just that kinda day. and at the end of the day yes i know too that it’s okay to cry. more than okay. but i’m just that kinda person who’s not tryna. i know it sounds dumb but whatever. i’m working on it.

and i know i haven’t been writing. still don’t really have the motivation. 

but a friend reminded me that i can always just write about anything. and he’s right. sometimes i feel like what i say doesn’t really matter or it’s just so irrelevant. but again WHO CARES. we all go through a shit show. and while some have it harder than others. we all reach crossroads. and we all have to deal with them.

one way or the other. 

so yeah i was being the biggest pussy today and i needed to chill. but i couldn’t. and if this was last year me OOF i would have walked straight out those doors and finessed something so i wouldn’t get caught with the school or have to deal with the rents.

yes yes one of my many fine attributes. 

but i guess what i was reminded of after today is that at the end of the day you’ve really only got yourself. i’ve said it before today. and i’ll probably say it again. but it’s the realest thing i could ever say. 

it’s not really a bad thing. even if it might sound like it at first. because think about it. if you’re completely content with yourself....

then you’re indestructible. the biggest challenge is the mental game. and you’d be untouchable.

so i guess the motive here is for us to get to that point with ourselves. to be one with yourself. to be able to stay true to yourself and know that you don’t need to rely on anyone but YOU. yourself.

and yeah it’s never going to be perfect. but honestly i’m totally cool with just being a little closer to perfect. 

we’ll get there. 

bein all cute n shit in the hell hole

bein all cute n shit in the hell hole

consumed.

sorry guys i know i’ve seriously been lacking with the blog posts. i was supposed to stay on top of it and here i am dragging.

i’ve got to say i’m surprised. at how many people have actually noticed. like ugh i love you all.

truth is i’ve had zero motivation. maybe it’s the whole below zero negative weather thing. or the fact that school is completely useless especially at this point yet i’m expected to show up 5 days a week for 7 hours at a STRETCH.

like no thank you. there’s just SO much to do and the time seems to move way too fast when i need to take a second and way too slow when i need it to be rolling. yeah funny how it works out that way. 

and then there’s me wrapped up in my own head. living in my own day dreams. so yeah maybe i need a reality check. anddddd maybe i need to figure my shit out.

i still need to order my cap and gown for graduation and i’m about 4 1/2 months late with that. OOPS.

it also seems kinda late for me to start trying to be a good student. but better late than never??

my own thoughts are consuming me. and everything else around ‘em can’t seem to give me a break. which i guess isn’t anything new. but i’m tired. and bored.

and yeah trust me i know how easy it is to lose sight of what’s important. 

so i’m here to talk about the one thing. 

the one thing that never fails you. me. or any of us really.

it brings anyone and everyone together. gives us a helping hand when we’re down in the feels. allows us to surround ourselves with a single voice. and it’s all to our liking. us choosing.

and for just a couple minutes. you can take yourself to another place. another world.

your own world. where YOU can do whatever.

all it takes is that one song. to get your focus to its utmost peak. to where you have the scenes rolling through your head. and nothing else matters. but the feeling in you. the moments passing by. and having the storyline take its natural course.

there’s so many different types. genres. each to its own. to every mood. to every feeling. to every person. we all can find to our own. 

and the way it affects us. how it can take us back to certain times. certain moments. 

we love it....and we may hate it at the same time. but that’s what makes it so valuable to us. 

except yes eventually. and unfortunately at times. we have to come back to reality. and things are not as dandy. 

yet this is the time that makes all the difference.

to channel everything you’ve got. to take that focus. and your storyline. and make use of it. 

give yourself something. anything. a little bliss out of a lot of shitty. take pleasure in it. and then get yourself moving. you deserve to do the best for yourself. and as much as it may suck right now. or feel like it’s slipping away. you are in control. AND you are in charge.

—————————————————————————

so give yourself a break. and get inspired. 

because this is yours. and you do YOU.

don’t let anyone tell you any different.

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out of focus

yes it’s that time for me. college.

oh yeah it’s ABOUT time. 

so where am i going to be next year? oh hahahah. i have no idea. literally not a CLUE.

i’ll think okay it’s this ONE. the place i want to be at. it’s the ONE. where i’ll be heading to in a couple months. but then two days later i’m in a whole other direction. or two hours lol. but then again. story of my life. 

i’ve been accepted. denied. DEFERRED. 

and there’s more where that came from. 

which if you ask me i’d say being deferred is the worst thing. or at least THE WAIT is. holy moly. i’m too impatient. for my own good.

if you know me, you know i like to get things over with. even if it’s a fail. a huge L. i’d rather just have it happen and move on with my life. rather just go for it than wait on it and have it weigh over me. 

but now i have to wait another two months. and i applied EARLY. wait another two months to know their decisions. so i can make mine. 

so this whole decision. kinda big. kinda decides where i’m going to be this time next year. and that’s just a lil too much. like JEEZ.

but okay look. i know wherever i end up. i’ll make the best of it. and i’ll have the best of times. regardless. because that’s just how i do. and that’s how i like to go about anything. 

so in reality. it’s not the BIGGEST deal. and i find myself not caring where it is i may be for the next 4 years some of the time. because it’s an adventure. and i’m so ready no matter what. or where.

but THEN it’s like …

this one decision. changes so much. almost everything. it’s the base of my next 4 years. the foundation. and it has all the power to reform what happens in the next stages of my life. or more like i do i guess. 

so who knows what i’m going to do with it. 

or where it will have me end up. 

stay in tune xx

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you can walk home in the rain

who wants to live a life with each day on GODDAMN repeat? you wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference.

it’s easy to fall into a cycle. a series of repeats. over and over. and soon it becomes that each day is the same. ‘til you can’t tell the difference because you’re stuck doing the same acts.

pulling your same old shit.

it’s easy to go back to old habits. old people. forget why things didn’t work out. 

it’s easy to get ahead of yourself. to think you’ll do it differently THIS time. 

but let’s be real. there’s no THIS time. 

old ways won’t open new doors.

yes we’ve heard that one before. but a cliche turned into a cliche for a reason.

our mind works in a funny way. we can fall into traps easy. and even easier with our guard down. if we aren’t careful enough.

and we can’t be so naive either. there’s repercussions. 

but being careless. that’s the best part. just to be you. and not give a care what anyone thinks.

to feel like you’re on top of the world. 

to live like you’ve got it made. 

so yeah it might be easy. easy for all that to happen. and even more. 

and sometimes it’s okay. 

because it finds its way through. it just took another chance. or maybe two. 

but sometimes it’s not. 

it’s on a cycle. never ending. and doing no one any good.

so you tell me. what do you want? and where do you stand?

it’s your life silly.

take a stand. stick with it.

take a stand. stick with it.

the secret to growing up

we all have a past

we’ve done things we are not super proud of. done things that we regret. 

but how else do you experience every feeling that is possibly in existence?

without trying everything. taking it all in.

i don’t want to leave a single moment. a single feeling even behind. i want the experience of it all.

there’s nothing wrong with a little risk. with a couple of mistakes. some fuck ups along the way. it’s how it goes. 

and YOU.

YOU are not your past. 

you can choose to be. but you don’t have to be. 

so why would you?

these mistakes and fuck ups... let them steer you in the right direction. and guide you closer to where you see yourself.

even if it’s just a step. 

it’ll make all the difference.

so let it immerse you. evolve yourself. grow some wisdom. shed some light. 

growing up can be a scary thought. something each one of us wonder about every now and then. but the light within it...?  it’s that you’re able to constantly grow within your own self. 

there’s nothing stopping you.

each birthday. each year. if you look back to the year before. you’ll see a whole lot of change.

think back to this time LAST year. 

you can’t possibly tell me that there aren’t at least a billion things that have changed. that are different. that are no more or have added to your daily life. or your life as a whole.

sure there are things that stay the same. but holy. there’s so much that changes.

yes, some bad. but what about the GOOD?

so cmon. 

don’t you want to watch your life unravel itself?

each year. a different chapter. 

little by little. day by day. without even noticing. and all of a sudden you’re at a new point in time.

you don’t associate yourself with some people anymore. people have left. people have come into your life. it’s weird. it’s crazy. but it’s ongoing.

so just think.

this time NEXT year.

you have no idea where you will be. but it’ll be different. in way you would have never thought of beforehand. 

and the curiousity. that constant wonder clinging in the back of my head. that’s something i can never let go of.

but it’s a lucky thing to have. it’s the last straw. the last teeny glimpse. that gets you going and doing your thing. 

even when you really don’t want to.

so hold on to it. you’ll need it.

oh hi there

oh hi there

the quiet hours

things to do places to be?

oh YEAH.

the world is constantly on the go. 

somewhere. someplace. something significant is occurring. no matter what time it is.

it’s crazy. yeah okay i know we need our sleep too.

i tend to get less of it. but look. i feel like there’s no time to waste. even if it’s just laying in your bed watching netflix. 

sometimes you need that for yourself. that pause.

i always want to be aware of the world. i want to be awake. we’ve got 24 hours each day. every day. and i still don’t think that’s enough time.

not for everything i want to do. 

lowkey though. you wanna know my favorite time?

it’s the quiet hours. 

the hours when it can be just you. between 2 and 5 am. 

you can do anything. 

and there’s nothing but peace and quiet. 

the SERENITY. oh how we love it. i do. 

the world feels as if it is at a still. 

and i can’t think of any time better.

the rush 

the rush 

will it matter in two weeks? a couple months?

will it matter in two weeks? a couple months from now?

i feel like half the time a lot of us freak out over the smallest things. sometimes it’s because we’re too overwhelmed. there’s too many little things bugging us at once. coming at us. so you can’t deal. that’s understandable.

BUT sometimes it’s because we don’t see the bigger picture.

and that’s what i’m talking about here.

the big picture.

how important could this moment really be. how much will any of it be of relevance to you a couple months from now? or even 2 weeks from now? and let’s see… is anyone else even going to remember anything that has happened really?

probably not. OLD NEWS.

so don’t beat yourself up. for something that has no meaning. and isn’t of any significance !!!!

why are you making things harder for yourself? literally FOR NO REASON. 

you have to relax. we all do. life can suck just fine on it’s own. we don’t need to add to it. ESP when it’s not necessary.

do what you gotta do to chill out. to be able to think for a second. a clear mind.

we all have our own thing. our NICHE.

and at that point in time. 

ask yourself. 

will this matter in two weeks? in a couple months from now?

dicks last resort. a experience.  but seriously. don’t give more fucks than you have to.  have fun with life xx

dicks last resort. a experience.

but seriously. don’t give more fucks than you have to.

have fun with life xx

fake it ‘til you make it

i’m at a stump.

if you know me, you know i’m a firm believer in “fake it ‘til you make it”

because trust me. it works. 

i have bad anxiety. even worse social anxiety. yeah yeah. it’s like most others nowadays. nothing THAT out of the ordinary anymore. 

i’m shy. i get nervous. thing is. people would never believe it about me if i say all this now. 

it’s because i’m a god at always having a persona on. yes. A GOD. okay sorry a bit over the top. but for real though.

i guess it is a good thing. definitely has been useful. definitely comes in handy. a lot.

or i guess a bad thing. ‘cause you’ll never really know how i’m actually feeling. and sometimes i don’t really either.

so i GUESS... it really depends on how you go about it. 

i’m working on it all still regardless. so don’t worry. i’ll get there. 

and if we are talking about medicine…i’m not a huge fan. i don’t want to ever RELY on anything. esp if i don’t really really need it. i believe it’s more about the mental game. so i don’t fuck with it. but that’s just me. and how i am.

we are all different & have varied opinions about it so don’t come @ me. you do you.

but ANYWAYS look. i’m always putting myself out there. even if it scares me. i don’t think about it. i refuse to. and if it does scare me. and it ends up actually getting to me. i don’t like showing it. in fact, i hate it. so i’ll fake it. ‘TIL I MAKE IT. and then i’ll be all good. yeah okay. sometimes it takes a bit of time for me to internally get a handle on myself. 

like i might look all fine & dandy on the outside. but on the low. things are all over the place.

but hey, when you start something. anything. and the process is kind of tedious. strenuous. once you’ve already started... it will only get easier on you. as time passes by. and soon enough. you’ll be looking back from the other side.

so if i start. you already know i’m not stopping ‘til i’m out the deep end. 

now if you knew me as a kid. and while i was growing up ‘til i would say about late middle school. right before high school. which is when i finally grew a pair. 

yeah. OOPS.

but you’d have a totally different perception of me.

i never spoke. never talked. kinda just observed what happened around me & that was about it.

i HATED raising my hand in class. because the teacher would always ask me to SPEAK UP since he/she and no one else could hear me...

or at family events. when everyone is bombarding me with questions i have no idea how to answer... and they tell me to stop mumbling. to repeat myself. AGAIN. like i didn’t even know what to say for the first time & now i have to go for TAKE 2... oh just GREAT.

so okay i guess it’s MY BAD. because i already thought i was talking as loud as i possibly could. so yeah. you could say it was a bit of a struggle. almost anywhere i was.

nowadays. people are telling me to lower my voice. stop rambling on & on. like manasvi SHUT UP already. 

HA. who would have thought?

and okay okay. let’s give credit where credit is due. 

when it comes to public speaking. presentations. anything of the sort. present day today. people even say that i’m good. and that’ll never stop surprising me. never lmao.

like HOW. 

but i’m proud of me. that i’ve gotten myself to chill out and not worry about getting up there. to just relax. versus how it was before. but lol. this is until it’s 10 min to when it’s time to go. then i’m practically shaking. stuttering. and already looking like a fool. like GOOD ONE manasvi.

but still. no one seems to notice. actually no one ever does. not anymore at least. i think it’s more in my head now than anything. but up until a point. i’d get called out for it. like every time. 

so i had decided to turn on a mindset. 

some talk.

“you’ve got this”

“you’re good at this”

“fuck everyone else”

and just like that. 

shift things around in my head.

take a breath. 

and.

fake it ‘til i make it.

okay easier said than done. but oh it’s definitely not the impossible. because if i can do it. so can you.

and if you can’t shift things around in your head just like that.

that’s okay too. we are all built differently.

so do yourself a favor. 

WRITE IT DOWN. look at it. have that visual for yourself. and say it over & over. talk to yourself. be that WEIRDO. lowkey would probably get out of the public’s eye though. but ya know whenever. whatever. it’s up to you. ‘cause you gotta do what you gotta do.

get it integrated deep in THERE. because yeah sometimes you’ll still be doubtful. sometimes it’ll all still take over. but the more you believe it yourself. and i KNOW how cheesy this sounds. but the better you are going to do for yourself.

and WELL, my guys and gals.

i definitely have made it. and i’m making it even now. as we go along. 

so don’t be afraid. just GO FOR IT.

fake it ‘til you make it. 

yes, it will take time. be patient with yourself. you’ll get frustrated sometimes. it’s bound to happen. remember that sometimes it might just all be too much. and that’s okay too. because eventually. you will conquer it. you will.

and let me know how it works out for you. because it will. 

it’s a mindset.

and each one of you can achieve it. 

you can go above and beyond.

just try. 

believe in it bbys

believe in it bbys

trust the process

trust the process.

it’s hard. especially if you’re always wondering if you really are where you should be? 

if you’re behind or ahead of the rest?

but once these thoughts come up in your head, it’s important to realize that it’s the wrong way to go about it.

because it doesn’t matter where anyone else is. thats what will get you constantly doubting yourself. THE COMPARISON. 

so don’t do yourself dirty like that.

watch yourself. and only you.

and you’ll see yourself growing each day. til one day you see so much more than you would’ve ever expected.

yes, there’ll be slow days. days where you fall back to old habits. 

you’ll fold. it happens. to the best of us.

don’t hate on yourself so much. don’t beat yourself up too much over it. it’s okay. 

and just know if you are doing that to yourself...it means you are SELF AWARE. and that’s a good thing.

it means you are opening up yourself to be the best version of YOU. and that’s not always an easy thing.

so be proud of that instead. and don’t sit there wallowing in all your errors. or how you fucked up.


because oh love there’s so much more ahead. and this simple time right now. it’ll pass. 


so make the most of the journey. the adventure.

it’s the best part. and you’ll regret not embracing it. 

enjoy yourselves. indulge a lil. it’s okay :)

not a huge fan of high school dances. but apparently i can’t get outta doing senior prom😅  so thought i’d throw it back to hc ‘17. make the most of it right!!

not a huge fan of high school dances. but apparently i can’t get outta doing senior prom😅

so thought i’d throw it back to hc ‘17. make the most of it right!!

yes it’s about a crush heh

having a crush

okay i know it sounds all middle school. kinda juvenile.

but hear me out. 

it’s the feeling. that’s what we’re talking about here.

adksxmsnzkskj. i don’t know. if i can really explain the feeling but like... we get all tingly. our stomachs do a lil flip flop. heh. 

…seriously though?

life without a crush. or someone to admire in more adult terms. it gets kinda boring. like yeah sometimes you’ll get nervous. maybe really nervous. but like it’s the good kinda nervous.

and sometimes maybe your heart starts beating really fast. 

but like okay it’s kinda cute. CMON :’)

plus it gives you something during a crap kinda day. and okay okay i get it. no one NEEDS anyone else. you can get by on your own just fine. trust me i GET that. more than you’d think.

but ya know there’s nothing wrong with having it either?

AND it keeps you on your toes. 

so now we are at what i’m really talking about.

its the feeling in between. the anticipation.

i LOVE the anticipation. like sending a risky text. or just saying something you have no idea what kinda reaction you’d get from it. 

like i’ll go for it. 

just like that.

so sometimes i’m probably more straightforward than i should be for my own good. eek. but i still love it.

and okay yeah there’s the possibility of getting your heart broken. especially if he’s one you really have caught the feels for. and god knows some of us have had enough of that. 

but it’s a feeling that doesn’t come around just like that. at least not for me. so i think the chance is worth it.

and lucky me i know how to bounce back quick. or at least have learned to put things aside for myself. i’m willing to get through the gross yucky sad emo stuff within a snap of a finger or at least i can make it seem like it. so okay maybe sometimes i don’t deal. when i really should. but the thing is with me is that i’m always looking for what’s coming ahead. and if you know me, you know i hate wasting time.

it takes one day. one moment. for it all to change. who wants to miss out on that?

so if it’s not this one. it might be the next. or maybe the one after that.

but just think. you’re only one guy closer to your prince charming. okay ew i threw up a lil in my mouth too.

but you get the idea.

and i get life doesn’t always work out like that and i can be a negative lil bitch about it too but LETS try to be better about it shall we. 

we know life can suck so let’s just think some good thoughts & support each other to the max while we get out there yes sry i got mushy there but it’s just that kinda vibe tn. xoxo.

sunday mornings. the best kinda mornings ;)  the rest of the day sunday sucks tho.  but we are trying to be positive here. well I TRIED. lol.

sunday mornings. the best kinda mornings ;)

the rest of the day sunday sucks tho.

but we are trying to be positive here. well I TRIED. lol.

the big C word.

the big C word.

commitment. 

yeah that’s a YIKES. i don’t do commitment. okay it’s not that i don’t do it, i just suck at it. 

it’s the tale as old as time…. she’s got DADDY issues. like okay we get it shut up.

i do my own thing. i’m the most independent person there is and i’ve been that way since a child. i didn’t really have a childhood. i knew santa wasn’t real. i knew the tooth fairy didn’t exist. some might think it’s kinda sad. i don’t really care if i’m being honest. because i mean hell to it that yeah i might have grew up kinda young... but sometimes i worry that i might have even peaked young too.

except no.

because i refuse to accept that. we all are growing constantly and each day if you look real close, there’s always something that’s different. something that changes. day by day, week by week, month by month, and all of a sudden your life is completely different from what it was at the start of the year.

a lot of people dread this. but i love it. i need change. i get bored easy...that’s why commitment is the big C word. not an easy thing for me. 

so should i be proud of myself that i can instantly adapt myself to my surroundings? that i can make the most out of a situation?

or should i be upset.

upset that i get bored of it all almost just as quick too?

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forgive or forget? the clock is ticking.

“i’m sorry”

two words. overplayed. on repeat. 

for so long that i don’t know if they stand a chance at having any meaning left in them.

it’s easy. it’s convenient.

you fuck up. and you say “i’m sorry.”

it’s all better now. right? or it should be at least. because that is what is expected??

forgiveness is a tricky thing.

they say that it’s important to learn and to know how to forgive. that it’s the key to living a happy and fulfilling life. 

but how is that fair? 

think about it.

someone fucks up. over and over. and then all of a sudden they say the two words. so familiar to them that it rolls off the tongue like no other.

“i’m sorry”

and you’re supposed to forgive them?

if someone knows that they will be forgiven. no matter what they hurt or break while they go along destroying what’s left.

what’s to stop them from continuing to do so?

there’s nothing.

that is why. i believe not everyone is worthy of forgiveness. okay okay. scratch that. i mean YOUR forgiveness.

yes, not forgiving causes anger. hatred. that’s not a lie. they are right about that. you can fight it all you want but there will still be some inside of you. no matter how much you try to hide it.

but look.

life isn’t perfect. it’s not some dandy lil happy place where joy and cheerfulness exist 24/7. anger. hatred. these things exist. it’s reality.

but forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it? not from you at least. that causes SELF hatred. the worst kind.

the kind that strips away your original self. leaving you in little pieces. not knowing what to do next with yourself.

but listen. i’m NOT saying to not forgive. i’m NOT saying to not use those two words together. 

i’m saying to know your worth. and give meaning to those two words together to show your sincerity. the true value within them.

because words are just words. ‘til there is feeling put behind them. genuine feeling.

so yes. forgive or forget. because at the end of the day...

you need to know what takes priority over the other. and when.

or it’ll tear you apart.


and don’t worry. if you decide to forget. you aren’t a bad person. it doesn’t mean they are destined for no one. or that they’ll go nowhere because of YOU. they’ll get their chance. somewhere. with someone else. it’ll happen. the universe is pretty chill like that.

so pls know better. do better. for your own sake.

because each one of you. you deserve it.

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a little glimpse of genuine pure honesty :’)

so despite wanting to make the best of my 18th. the day that i was waiting for so long. things took a turn.

lmao the usual right? don’t really know why i was expecting anything different.

a whole mindset i had set for myself went back to SHIT. in a matter of a couple of minutes. i wanted to rip the hair off my head. and flick off anyone who tried to wish me.

like you wouldn’t want to test me.

i kept remembering why i hate my birthday. why i couldn’t deal. and kept questioning who i thought i was that i could possibly even think that i could make it go any different this time around.

so i started feeling sorry for myself. the last couple hours not doing anything sitting there wondering what the point was once again. 

but in reality i knew what it was. i just had to be reminded again.

i went on insta to check up on my recent posts like any other. and realized i had a request in my DMs. 

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and just like that. my day went from utter disappointment and sadness to something so unexpected. a little glimpse of genuine pure honesty. 

the littlest things. they make all the difference.

when you feel so alone that there’s really not another person who would get it? you can’t breathe. you’re stuck. so what can you do?

you wonder if any of it is worth it? like let’s be real the thought comes up. 

but i’m telling you. and i will keep saying it. it is ALWAYS worth it. even if it doesn’t feel like it. there’s always something. something no matter how small or tiny. THAT. that something. that is what makes it worth it.

i would have never thought. never in a billion years....

like she called herself a FAN GIRL. for me ???? my blog ???? something i created. CRAZY. 

you have no idea how much of an impact the smallest things can have on someone. we all think so many things in our head. we see a girl walking down the street and we think about something of hers that we love.

but we just think it. over and over. and we don’t say it. but why not? hearing that one thing could literally MAKE that girl’s day. it could’ve changed everything. you’d never even know. 

this girl changed my day in a heartbeat. she made my birthday into something worth remembering.

she made me think…

maybe i have something worth saying after all.

so stop just thinking. start TALKING. saying. telling. and make the difference.

so stop just thinking. start TALKING. saying. telling. and make the difference.

hell yeah i’m legal

the big 1 8.

jan 13. just an ordinary day. like any other day. 

but yeah it’s my birthday today. 

now i know how weird this is about to sound but i normally HATE celebrating my birthday. acknowledging it. anything of the sort.

there’s some painful memories behind that. but long story short last time i celebrated my birthday was the 4th grade. 

we had a bouncy house though so that was sick.

ANYWAYS this birthday however. it is different.

i have been counting down days. months. YEARS. for this birthday to come. i’m turning 18. finally legal kiddos. 

i know it’s not technically the biggest deal. and everyone says hey you’re still a kid. but for me it’s a bigger deal than you could ever imagine. because I’M LEGAL. 

when you’re as independent as i am and always have been since you were even a little kid. imagine what a drag it is when the rest of the world doesn’t see any of that but your age. an age that doesn’t match. like you have no idea how bad i want to throat punch some people. and for how long i’ve wanted to.

but hey they can’t say jack shit now. HA suckers.

now not to get all mushy or gross because i’m not trying to YACK either but…

in all honesty. i wasn’t exactly sure i’d make it to here.

not because of me or something i would do so don’t go thinking down that route... but i’m not going to lie i have had many many MANY near death experiences. like so close. like it’s kinda crazy and insane and ridiculous HOW CLOSE.

to the point that people like to say i cheat death. on the daily.

and yeah okay i don’t know how true all THAT exactly is but the fact that i can look back right now. in this moment.

and know that i really have survived through all of that. and i made it past. to this day. 

i feel invincible.

“to be free”

“to be free”


so i just want to say to those who feel like their life is going nowhere and they feel like nothing is ahead for them. that your life sucks right now. and maybe it couldn’t get any worse for you.

let me tell you right now that there is the COOLEST shit out there waiting for each one of us. things unimaginable.

so please keep going. no matter what.

because life on the other side. ITS WILD.

and it’s worth it.

my guys and my gals. you got this.

my guys and my gals. you got this.

sry i’m calling us all out

i’m on the way to the city right now. in a train by myself. that sounds depressing. it’s not really considering the kinda weekend i’m gunna have the second i get off. plus i also get some me time. idk maybe i like being a loner. yeah i guess i’m weird like that.

anyways that’s besides the point. so after i got on, a girl at my school that i know and am technically at least acquaintances with...well, actually more so but IDK. something of the sorts. 

you get it right?

but anyway she got on the next stop and we did the whole “OMG HEY DIDNT EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE” thing. and we spoke for a solid 5 min saying the same shit over and over because we didn’t know what else. but like it was still kinda chill. ‘til it was kinda awkward. then we were both on our phones. right next to each other. and then i realized.

so was everyone else ahead and behind us. no talk. just everyone doing something of the sorts on their cellular device.

lmao. we all hide behind our phones. all of us.

and it’s so funny because everyone has so much talk. IM THIS IM THAT. like no you ain’t shit shut up. 

and okay we ALL do it to some extent. with someone. somewhere.

and why?

to build our egos?? or are we all just cowards just for the sake of it??

even now there’ll be some people looking at this post thinking it’s wack and that they don’t do it. EVER. right?

yeah okay keep telling yourself that buddy.

so why do we get intimidated? why do we have to build ourselves up like that? and then we feel the need to always tell others to chill out. yet YOU yourself do it. we all do it. so why?

is there any real reason to it? even now i got dropped off to the station by a bunch of guys who are supposedly best friends going off at each other about some old texts. always trying to one up the other.

low-key. they sounded like 5 year olds. jk pretty much high-key. 

but they did come in clutch by giving me a ride so i’ll give em that.

yet this is how some people go about their day. each day. every day. or they can’t survive. it’s pathetic. and it’s sad.

so why is it a thing? for anyone? for everyone? 

how about we ALL chill out for once. 

and see how much more we can do with that.

peace out suckas

peace out suckas

“old habits die hard”

balance.

it’s the key to life.

i like to tip the scale time to time.

fine maybe all the time.

but okay hear me out. i’m one of those people that are either at an all or at nothing. like i’m either at a 0 or i’m at a 100 and i don’t do no in-betweens. i like to go all out. it’s my biggest struggle. something i’ll always have internally.

it was late summer of 2018 when i realized that things needed to be changed up. and real quick at that. but something about being someone who either goes big or goes home is that they are usually also very IMPULSIVE. or at least i am.

think about it. how easy it is to convince yourself to take the next step and the step after that once you start having moves set up in your head when you’re an impulsive person. you just do it. one thing after the next. one step after another. and then you’re there. 

you’re BIIIG time in it.

so as soon as i decided that things had to take another direction. i got to spin around my impulsivity into something to benefit me. for the better. because i was already set. there was no going back to the old ways. no more toxins. my mind was made. because not only am i impulsive but once i set something, it is always in my head. i can’t get rid of it. 

but retraining yourself to do things not as before. it’s not easy. those habits stick. you know the phrase, that old habits die hard? yeah whoever came up with that phrase wasn’t messing around. 

so that self control. for an impulsive person? and yes i see the conflict there too. therefore just think of how crazy it is to get those two things. impulsivity and self control to work together. to reach a common goal.

and now i’m not saying that i did the impossible. or that it is all under control and i’ve got it down to a perfect science. there’s no flex here. because that’s just so far from the truth. 

i still fuck up. a lot. but cmon who doesn’t. 

and even so... now i’m at a place within myself where possibilities i could never have even have imagined... they are at the horizon. just at my reach. 

and i can only imagine what can come beyond that. because as soon as i reach what’s at the horizon. there’s more coming my way. it’s never ending. that’s the beauty of life. you’re always one step. one decision. away from a whole other life. 

make the most of it.

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take the chance

i get annoyed. way too fast. way too easily.

i guess you could call it a bad trait.

i’ve accepted it though.

it makes it easier for me to be straight up and direct. ya know without any of the bs.

and that’s the way i like it anyway.

i can only tolerate so much ‘til you get the classic eye roll or death stare and you get the hint. well at least i hope you get the hint.

so yeah i get that i can kinda turn into a bitch. and that it can happen kinda fast. and i know the resting bitch face i’ve got doesn’t help my case out too much either. 

but i’m actually genuinely a nice person. regardless of what the people who don’t really know jack shit but think they know everything might say over here. i really do wish for everyone to do their best and be at their best. even if our relationship isn’t on the bestest of terms. 

so no i’m not just some plain old bitch. there’s some more to it. fr.

see i think there’s more to life than to just simply go through the motions of it. and when time feels like it’s getting taken away from me...

i get impatient. very impatient.

i feel like i can be doing so much more and the time i’ve got is getting wasted and drifting away from me. and i HATE that. that feeling. 

so don’t take it personally.

...if you’ve ever received one of my infamous eye rolls or death stares. ‘cause news flash you’re probably not the only one. and in reality it’s really just one of my own issues. well, SOME of the time.

but its just that i wanna do more w/ my life. at any given moment. which might seem like a lil much saying it out loud like that. but i mean at least when i can. i wanna take advantage of every single opportunity i have right in front of me. and you should too because if you don’t watch out. one day you might not have that opportunity anymore. not THAT same one at least.

plus wouldn’t you wanna be able to say that you took the chance right when you had it?

you didn’t wait. you just went for it. no questions asked.

because that my friends. that is hardcore.

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