4 years -> 4 days

if you asked me at the beginning of freshman year where i would be right now as a senior, i wouldn’t have had a single clue. i had nothing planned out. and when i say nothing. i mean NOTHING. most kids know somewhere along the lines of where they want to be at those certain points in their later life.

but i mean even being as clueless i was, i always knew i was a wing-it kinda gal. a go getter when the time was right.

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like it’s dangerous

we love the thrill. i know i do. i love the rush. the HYPE. i live for it.

i live OFF it.

i’m more uncomfortable with myself knowing i’m in my comfort zone. knowing that nothing is changing. that i’m in a constant state of mind. and honestly i get pretty bored too. like yeah maybe i might feel a little YIKES when i’m out of that comfort zone. but it’s a good kinda yikes. and it keeps things interesting. you’re taking everything all in for all it is. it’s where you’re growing. and gaining new perspectives. learning more about yourself along the process.

it’s important to find your limits. to know what you’re capable of and more. because nothing can you stop then. and this applies to everything and anything.

thing is not everything works for everyone. and different things affect us all in different ways. know your weaknesses. improve on them. 

and if it doesn’t work. then it doesn’t work. don’t force it. some things just aren’t meant to be. and that’s okay too.

b/c you will THRIVE in your strengths. in all the things you love. so find those out. even if it’s just a question. a maybe. something lingering at the back of your head. you’ll never know unless you try. so do anything. everything. try it all.

i mean when else? another life?????

before you know it you’re going to be 80 and not sure where all those years went. how life managed to pass by you so simply. slipping through without even realizing.

and i’m not saying to go out of your way and do illegal things. because no no no. 

it’s about changing your mindset. 

do things like it’s DANGEROUS. no matter what it is. 

like it’s your last time. now or never. so precise because you don’t know if it’ll happen again. 

your regrets are what are going to screw you over at end.

but everything you DO. everything that’s done like it’s dangerous. 

well i’ll just tell you right now you’re going to have some good stories to share. 

an iconic 18 years i’m SAYIN

an iconic 18 years i’m SAYIN

prom loser

i’m someone who does not go for high school dances. i suck at planning things. there’s so much drama in between. so i skipped out when i could. not my thing. plus it’s always been a sh*t show.

like junior year hoco. omfg. by the time my date & i pulled up to the dance it was raining so bad the water was up to our ankles. AND i was wearing a long dress like mother nature please do me more dirty.

she got the message though for sure because it got so windy that our umbrella blew straight away from us all the way across the parking lot.

so i showed up to the dance DRENCHED. everything literally. my hair my dress all my makeup. i was walking through the halls and people were whispering to each other like daaaanngg she got the worst of it.

yeah mother nature. thanks for that.

now it’s time for PROM.

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hey guys:)

so in honor of tomorrow being the 3-month mark for my very first blog post !!!!

AND because of everyone who has reached out to me — means so SO much to me — i decided to create an insta page to focus entirely on my blog. i don’t want followers on my personal account who aren’t into it to be bombarded by the story posts but i’ll probably still be at it till this new page actually becomes a thing honestly.

a solid transition & i think it’s a new way to put myself out there a little more even though it freaks me out a lil.

plus i’ve got nothing to lose so. 

if you keep up with this blog, please PLEASE show your support by giving a quick follow to my new insta @xomanatat clicking on the button below.

i’ll be posting excerpts of each blog post and i’m ACTUALLY going to try posting once every 1-2 days even thru all the stumps in between so hold me to it guys.

and lowkey yeah i might change the username later so give me suggestions if you’re feelin’ something 🥰

thought i’d attach my first blog post to look back on. it’s already been CRAZY these past 3 months but i’ve been having around 300 new viewers each week which is literally insane. so wow i love you all and i love the support like AWWW thank you for the best.

it’s all a ride and man i’m so hype for it.


i have always been pretty straightforward. i like the directness. and i don’t like dealing with the BS in between so i rather just not have any.

i’m probably gonna say that a billion more times to get my point across in the future too but like damn. i don’t think i’ll ever not be blown at the amount of people who intentionally try to cause issues. or the ones who avoid a situation when it arises every chance they get.

no one ever realizes how much bad karma they stir up into the universe by trying to give others a taste of their own medicine. like if you just leave sh*t alone. do ur own thing.


so i’m just gonna put this out here for those of you who think you’re winning the game when you’re really just screwing yourself over and not helping anyone else out while you’re at it. 

the whole “let’s not talk about our feelings and make sure we’re the last one to leave the other on read to boost our own ego when we know we’re not over it” sh*t show was never cool AND has most definitely been played out at this time. 

so if you feel it speak it because we’ve got things to do places to be. lets get a MOVE ON.

please & thank you.


the girl on fire

as i head closer to the end of my senior year. i’ve been reminiscing on everything in the past. the good the bad the ugly.

but not gonna lie it’s been a good run. and the more i think about it. the prouder i am of myself.

and even though i always end up trying to get myself down about something I DID. that’s not the way to go about it. a lil positivity is better than zero.

so it got me thinking. looking back.

do you guys remember your first day of kindergarten?

i do lol.

so for a twist i thought i’d tell yall a lil story kinda thing.

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your personal wake up call

turns out the way you start out your day has a greater impact than you could ever imagine. 

whenever i’m going thru a shit show. like i was on & off for the last couple weeks. i like to experiment. try new things. change up small things already there. to see what’s helping me and what’s making shit even worse. and i learn more about myself in the run too.

things might get hard. but we tend to make things even harder than they have to be. and we don’t need to do ourselves like that.

so guys. i know this song isn’t new. more like 2 years old but

“american teen” by khalid

*cues song*

make this song your fricking alarm in the morning. 

it starts out with the birds and then legit an alarm anyway. i dread that part. but then it gets soooooooo good and it all kicks in and i’m so hype. 

my girl and i go crazy before school with this. trust me we like to chill till the very last second before we have to step foot in the hell hole.

but it helps set our whole mood. ESPECIALLY for our senior year in high school. asfjskcnsjxjsj i love it. i know all the words. if peoples’ ears didn’t bleed when i opened my mouth i’d belt the song out to the world 24/7.

but if not this song. we all have our own vibes and favorites. start your day off with it. 

it’s guaranteed you’ll be in a better mood for the rest of day than you would have otherwise. 

and why not put all the favors you can get to your side.

get high off your american dream ;)

u can see the struggle thru my dark circles n bags. oh and kate losing her sh*t. we love school.

u can see the struggle thru my dark circles n bags. oh and kate losing her sh*t. we love school.

green light go

heh. guess what yalllll.

i have officially COMMITTED.

and i’m so SO happy to say that i will be attending university of iowa in the fall.

i’m gonna be honest...i wrote this blog post kinda pre-mature. like i was going to commit after and post it later tonight. cuz i was just THAT excited.

but then everything turned upside down. and i thought i wasn’t going to end up getting out anymore. as if it was all for nothing. which i know sounds so DRAMATIC but guys you have no idea how over it i am.

like i legit think i felt my heart drop just like that.

so after a day of feeling sorry for myself stuck in bed with puffy eyes. i kinda just went for it. impulsive. but a done deal. and there you have it. 

i’m committed b*tches.

approximately like 16 min ago. ya ya know casual.

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B*TCH (takes one to know one)

sorry for the vulgar language. but sometimes it’s necessary to get a point across. we all have heard the cliche of the cold hearted b*tch. and while i as do many other girls may come across in such a way.

reality check: no one is actually cold-hearted. at least not all the way. no matter what it may seem like. or what they come across as.

because after multiple fuck ups. listening to the wrong things. saying even worse things. a label gets created. and it sticks.

especially in our OWN minds.

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detox detox detox

so i’m a very CASUAL person. i don’t like getting all up in anyone’s grill. i like to go with the flow of things. to deal with things as they come my way.

and i try not to get TOO heated. unless you get me triggered.

then lmao forget that i have ZERO issues getting all up in your grill.

but for the most part i am pretty chill. i don’t want the drama and i don’t need it. especially considering i have enough going on without any of the unnecessary pettiness. and you’d THINK most people would feel the same. except really. no matter what they say.

the truth is people love to spice things up.

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i like me better

hey yall i’m back. and i’m here to update that my life is turning back into the shit show it truly is. i’m convinced it’s a simulation. 

so yeah i was being the biggest pussy today and i needed to chill. but i couldn’t. and if this was last year me OOF i would have walked straight out those doors and finessed something so i wouldn’t get caught with the school or have to deal with the rents.

yes yes one of my many fine attributes.

but i guess what i was reminded of after today is that at the end of the day you’ve really only got yourself. i’ve said it before today. and i’ll probably say it again. but it’s the realest thing i could ever say.

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sorry guys i know i’ve seriously been lacking with the blog posts. i was supposed to stay on top of it and here i am dragging.

i’ve got to say i’m surprised. at how many people have actually noticed. like ugh i love you all.

truth is i’ve had zero motivation. maybe it’s the whole below zero negative weather thing. or the fact that school is completely useless especially at this point yet i’m expected to show up 5 days a week for 7 hours at a STRETCH.

like no thank you.

and then there’s me wrapped up in my own head. living in my own day dreams. so yeah maybe i need a reality check. anddddd maybe i need to figure my shit out.

i still need to order my cap and gown for graduation and i’m about 4 1/2 months late with that. OOPS.

my own thoughts are consuming me. and everything else around ‘em can’t seem to give me a break. which i guess isn’t anything new. but i’m tired. and bored.

i’m here to talk about the one thing.

the one thing that never fails you. me. or any of us really.

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out of focus

yes it’s that time for me. college.

oh yeah it’s ABOUT time.

so where am i going to be next year? oh hahahah. i have no idea. literally not a CLUE.

i’ll think okay it’s this ONE. the place i want to be at. it’s the ONE. where i’ll be heading to in a couple months. but then two days later i’m in a whole other direction. or two hours lol. but then again. story of my life.

i’ve been accepted. denied. DEFERRED.

and there’s more where that came from.

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you can walk home in the rain

who wants to live a life with each day on GODDAMN repeat? you wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference.

it’s easy to fall into a cycle. a series of repeats. over and over. and soon it becomes that each day is the same. ‘til you can’t tell the difference because you’re stuck doing the same acts.

pulling your same old shit.

it’s easy to go back to old habits. old people. forget why things didn’t work out.

it’s easy to get ahead of yourself. to think you’ll do it differently THIS time.

but let’s be real. there’s no THIS time.

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the secret to growing up

we all have a past

we’ve done things we are not super proud of. done things that we regret.

but how else do you experience every feeling that is possibly in existence?

without trying everything. taking it all in.

i don’t want to leave a single moment. a single feeling even behind. i want the experience of it all.

there’s nothing wrong with a little risk. with a couple of mistakes. some fuck ups along the way. it’s how it goes.

and YOU.

YOU are not your past.

you can choose to be. but you don’t have to be.

so why would you?

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the quiet hours

things to do places to be?

oh YEAH.

the world is constantly on the go. 

somewhere. someplace. something significant is occurring. no matter what time it is.

it’s crazy. yeah okay i know we need our sleep too.

i tend to get less of it. but look. i feel like there’s no time to waste. even if it’s just laying in your bed watching netflix. 

but sometimes you need that for yourself. that pause.

i always want to be aware of the world. i want to be awake. we’ve got 24 hours each day. every day. and i still don’t think that’s enough time.

not for everything i want to do. 

lowkey though. you wanna know my favorite time?

it’s the quiet hours. 

the hours when it can be just you. between 2 and 5 am. 

you can do anything. 

and there’s nothing but peace and quiet. 

the SERENITY. oh how we love it. i do. 

the world feels as if it is at a still. 

and i can’t think of any time better.

the rush

the rush

will it matter in two weeks? a couple months?

will it matter in two weeks? a couple months from now?

i feel like half the time a lot of us freak out over the smallest things. sometimes it’s because we’re too overwhelmed. there’s too many little things bugging us at once. coming at us. so you can’t deal. that’s understandable.

BUT sometimes it’s because we don’t see the bigger picture.

and that’s what i’m talking about here.

the big picture.

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fake it ‘til you make it

i’m at a stump.

if you know me, you know i’m a firm believer in “fake it ‘til you make it”

because trust me. it works.

i have bad anxiety. even worse social anxiety. yeah yeah. it’s like most others nowadays. nothing THAT out of the ordinary anymore.

i’m shy. i get nervous. thing is. people would never believe it about me if i say all this now.

it’s because i’m a god at always having a persona on. yes. A GOD. okay sorry a bit over the top. but for real though.

i guess it is a good thing. definitely has been useful. definitely comes in handy. a lot.


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